Monday, Apr. 17, 2006 1:14 p.m.
This week, I have mostly been imagining animals. I like imagining animals. It's one of my favourite passtimes. If I were in charge, it would be made an Olympic category in time for 2012. In order to kick-start the campeign to effect this, I shall share some of my imaginary animals with you. Be nice to them.
THE HAMHOG. I didn't so much imagine this animal as dream it, ages ago. Basically, it's a cross between a hedgehog and a hamster, as it has pleasingly soft fur instead of prickles, rendering it extraordinarily cute and in every respect the perfect pet. This is fortunate, as on an evoltionary level, the hamhog really has very little going for it.
THE GIANT URBAN SNUFFLESNUFFLE. Indistinguishable from the South American Giant Anteater, except that its extended proboscis and long sticky tongue are adapted for eating ice-cream rather than ants. Especially for getting ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone. They are known for appearing when small children at parks and beaches drop their ice-cream and start going WAAAAH; their big, fluffy, shambling presence quickly clears up the ice-cream before wasps and manky dogs arrive, and also comforts the screeching child. For this reason, they are a protected species and ice-cream-van-drivers are required to provide them with cones on demand, as long as they queue nicely. They are actually immensely strong with huge, powerful claws and could rend an ice-cream van to pieces of tormented metal in seconds, although as a general rule they choose not to.
HELIBEES. Like normal bees, but in the shape of a sycamore helicopter. They leap off the tops of trees and spin lightly to the ground. This acts as a kind of centrifuge, turning the nectar in their nectar-sacs into delicious honey. If you listen carefully, you can hear the helibees going "wheeeeeeee!" as they drift whirling to the forest floor.
TOYGERS. These actually exist, other than in my brain. They are a kind of domestic cat which has been bred with the colouration and patterning of a tiger. However, few people are aware of the dangers of tampering with nature in this way. Already alleged to be responsible for a number of strange and grusome disappearances is the PLOYGER, a real tiger which somehow manages to go really, really small and convince people that it is a pedigree toyger cat, before turning back into its normal size and eating them. Also to be avoided are the BOYGER (disguises itself as a member of Busted, then eats you), the ROYGER (disguises itself as Roy Strong, eats you, and writes a book about it), and the SHIP AHOYGER (which prowls the ocean in an inflatable dinghy with just its gleaming predator eyes sticking up over the edge, until it gets close enough to a ship to board it. Then it eats all the passengers and conscripts the crew into a life of piracy on the high seas).
THE KARMA CHAMAELEON. These are very spiritually aware lizards, originally from the depths of the Indian jungle but now common in California. For $400, you can have a session with a Karma Chamaeleon Handler, who will teach you deep breathing and meditation techniques, then put the chamaeleon on you. The colour which the chamaeleon adopts corresponds to a chart, telling you precisely what you are going to come back as. If it turns pink, for example, then you will be a long-lived and happy octopus. If it takes on a deep canary yellow, you will more likely be some moss. The karma chamaeleon knows when you are not taking it seriously, in which case it bites you on the nose.
Pissed Off Loris - Saturday, Feb. 24, 2007
Swotty Loris - Thursday, Jan. 18, 2007
Mimetic Loris 2006 - Tuesday, Dec. 26, 2006
Psycholoris - Thursday, Oct. 26, 2006
Cunning, Linguistic Loris - Tuesday, Oct. 24, 2006